I am not a committed Christian. I hope to make changes to my status. But the Lord and I have been on speaking terms frequently, and He is the source of all that is good in my life. I want to share something with you, and for those who have never fully relied on God for the outcome, I hope it will inspire you. I have to keep reminding myself.
Some years ago, I worked as the acting welfare operations manager of a charity for about five months. Some time later, the real manager resigned, and I was confident I would be hired in her place. Two other people applied, and to my astonishment (I'd done a good job, and had nothing but praise from everyone), another person was hired. I'll spare you the internal politicking. I was bitterly disappointed, and didn't maintain my dignity at all initially. I'd prayed about this, but couldn't accept "no" for the answer. We leap five years into the future... In my current place of work, I'd acted in the role of program co-ordinator when my boss was away. He resigned, but because of ill-feeling between him, the over-all manager, and the welfare workers in general, I knew I stood little chance of getting the position. I was asked to act in the role until someone was found, and because I had immediately handed in an application for the position, the manager spoke to me and said he had no intention of hiring me. He wanted "new blood". I felt bad, but I decided to do the best job I could anyway. I'd been reading "Patriarchs and Prophets", and had been thinking about how often we mess up by interfering with God's plans for us. I didn't want the job if I couldn't do it, or if something was going to go wrong. I also didn't want to put myself through the disappointment I'd felt previously. I spoke with the Lord, and I handed the matter completely to him (well, as best I could). I promised him that if He wanted me in or out of this job, I would do no more to interfere. I wouldn't ask about it, argue for myself, or try to influence the manager. And if I missed out, I'd accept it with good grace. An employment agency run by the church which runs my agency, placed a very inappropriate ad in the paper, and we received only one unsuitable response. Then a good ad was placed, and about three responses were received. My manager is known for his inaction, and after three months, when someone prodded him, he came to speak with me. He said he'd decided to hire a certain woman - a social worker - and asked me if I would train her! I felt the sinking feeling in my stomach, but agreed to do so. When he left, I shed tears, but started to plan how and what I'd need to teach her. I have to say I complained to other workers, and wallowed in self-pity. Later that afternoon, the manager came back, and said the other woman had another job. Well, I knew I wasn't going to get the job, but I'd had a bit of a reprieve. I was in his office - hte next day, I think - and he was bemoaning the fact that good hired help was hard to find, and I found myself saying, "You know, you could do a lot worse than me"! I kicked myself. I really felt I'd now interfered, and signed the death warrant! The next day, the manager's wife asked me to accompany her to his office. On the way, all she said was, "It takes a woman to get things done around here!" I suspected, and then it was confirmed by the manager, that he had decided to hire me (well - his wife had!). After we finished discussing practicalities, I told him about my prayers, and decision to not interfere. He was very surprised, as he regards me as a bit of a heathen because I disagree with his religious statements (e.g. "Under certain circumstances it is moral to force religion onto others"). There were several things against me getting this job. I'm under-qualified, wasn't liked personally, and was regarded with suspicion because I liked the previous incumbent. I'm convinced the Lord did this for me. I'm sure that if I'd intentionally tried to influence things in any way, I'd have been rejected. I think God had to give me some practical experience in depending on Him totally. I also think He wanted me in the role for a multitude of reasons which I may never understand. I probably wouldn't be making this post if the answer had been "no", but I believe the reasons would have eventually become obvious, and I'd still have trusted the outcome. I want to thank Him for this particular sequence of events, but also for all the other times when I failed to notice how carefully He tended me.

zyph, the fact that you had no intention of saying anything, then found yourself saying something that surprised you, is most likely because God put those words in your mouth. He has many ways to work in our behalf, or through us for others!

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The Lord is the strength of my life and my portion forever.

Zyph,
I don't mean to sound like a broken record , but this should help you to see that God hasn't kicked you to the curb.
He listened when you called, he gave you the strength to stand by and watch all this happen, then He put you up to speaking even when you had no intention of doing so.

I think He has a great plan for you, and He's trying to show you that.

Ignore feelings, go to promises and no matter what happens, hold on to them. They will sustain you through it all.
We are still praying for you. hang in there, god lioves you, a lot.
After all, He paid the price for you, do you really think He did it on a whim an dwill forget?
Nah, not Him.

Zyph, I haven't been on here in a while and I'm not sure if you've been on here before or not, but after reading your post I feel compelled to reply. I just wrote an article based on the life of Abraham that deals with this very thing, of not trusting God and taking matters into our own hands. But I'm writing because of your opening line. You need to commit. You will never regret it. The longer you put it off, the better are Satan's chances of keeping you from ever doing it. Remember the Ethiopian? He didn't even wait to get home. It is obvious that God has been calling you for a long time. You need to answer the call.